Category Archives: humor

Midway Airport |

This post is part of Snark Week at

The St. Paul Ports Authority, in concert with Metro Transit, has decided to replicate Chicago’s successful example and build a new airport at Midway. Just as Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport is on the Blue Line, the new St. Paul Airport at Midway [Airport Code; SPAM] will be conveniently located at the junction of the Green Line and the A-Line, and at the interchange of I-94 and Snelling Avenue. Officials say the existing Midway shopping centers can remain, since their parking lots are already empty enough to land a plane on.

Spruce Tree Center, Saint Paul Minnesota Painting by Carolyn Swiszcz, 2001
Spruce Tree Center, Saint Paul Minnesota Painting by Carolyn Swiszcz, 2001


“This is the kind of transit-oriented development that will put street level vitality back into the Midway District” said Foppus Loppet, head of the Midway TOD Planning and Implementation Task Force Alliance (MT PITFall).

Metro Transit expects that the airport, with convenient crosswalks across University Avenue, will add 973 riders per day, depending on the number of flights. It is expected that I-94 will be used as an approach flight way, with flights landing from the West and taking off from the East on the one runway.

The terminal will be an adaptive reuse of Spruce Tree Center, with a jetway across Snelling Avenue to connect to planes on the apron just east of Snelling Avenue.

If this airport is successful, it is expected Transit-Oriented Airport Development (TOADs) will be implemented along all Twin Cities Transitways, making air travel as convenient in the Metro as it is in Chicagoland.

Approval is pending a decision by the Federal Aviation Administration.

The Low Line |

Cross-posted from The Low Line

The Low Line

Following on the heels of the successful High Line pedestrian path on a former railroad right-of-way in New York, Pedestrian and Bicycle Planners in Minneapolis are proposing a new subterranean “Low Line” bicycle and pedestrian path beneath an operating railroad right-of-way.Artist's Rendering of What Lies Beneath Minneapolis, The Sites to Behold on Proposed Low Line

While the High Line provides familiar views to easily amused Manhattanites, the new Low Line will give its users an opportunity to see the geological formations on which the city is built, up close, a uniquely educational opportunity. This will thus have educational advantages in training schoolchildren to be the geologists and petroleum engineers of the future.

The alignment for this is planned to be below the Twin Cities and Western Railroad. Planners noted an important advantage, since there is so little traffic on the actual train tracks, the 1 year construction plan for the Low Line will have no noticeable economic disruptive effects.

New York's High Line

Minnezona – Or a Solution to Our Climate Crisis |

Cross-posted at Minnezona – Or a Solution to Our Climate Crisis

Minnezona – Or a Solution to Our Climate Crisis

March 32, 2014

In a joint press conference, Governors Mark Dayton of Minnesota (Pop: 5.4 million )  and Jan Brewer of Arizona (Pop: 6.5 million) announced a plan for a merger of their respective states to  lower costs, gain market share, and take advantage of  synergies. They announced they would be co-Governors, and meet jointly, via Google Hangouts, on a daily basis, with Dayton maintaining offices in St. Paul and Brewer in Phoenix.  This would soon create the 5th largest state (overtaking Illinois by 2020).

Generic picture of a high speed train with mountains in the background

The main advantage of such a merger, both Governors, reading simultaneously from the same teleprompter said, was  “a reduction in  energy costs.”

Every year, Minnesotans spend a fortune heating themselves in the winter, while Arizonans spend a second fortune cooling themselves in the summer. A few people, so-called “snow birds”, follow the lessons of our avian forbears and migrate from Minnesota to Arizona and back seasonally. But of course, when in Arizona, they miss all the social connections, work exchanges, and so on that are present in Minnesota. And when they return, they miss everybody left behind in Arizona.

Instead of a few lucky retired people being snow birds, the merger of Minnesota and Arizona into a single state would create the opportunity to mass migrate the entire states seasonally.

Brewer announced they would construct a “Nea Minneapolis” in the vast emptiness between the buildings of metropolitan Phoenix, and Dayton called for a “GNU Phoenix” in the interstices of sprawling metropolitan Minneapolis. Calculations in the technical report suggest all of the building of the two metropolitan areas could be overlaid without conflict, without requiring any more space. This would instantly double the density of each city, with all of the concomitant efficiency. Similarly, Tucson would co-locate with Duluth and Rochester, and Flagstaff with Saint Cloud. Metropolitan Phoenix/Minneapolis-St.Paul-Bloomington would have 4.3M +3.8M = 8.1 Million people, ranking 6th in the US.

But how to get from here to there? In their detailed implementation plans, they noted  a seasonal migration of over 12 million people. This would initially be done with aircraft, 12 million people flying 747s holding 660 passengers in high density mode would require 18182 flights each season. At one departing flight every 2 minutes (and one landing as well) (or 720 departures per day), this would require 25 days of non-stop flights. Given the flight time from MSP to PHX is 3 hours and 20 minutes, and then back again,  estimated at 9 hours considering layovers, refueling, cleaning, minor maintenance etc., this would require 270 Boeing 747s in operation for this migration, (the report notes this is a significant fraction of the 1294 Boeing 747s built, but you could substitute other aircraft as needed). The cost of $200 per passenger per trip implies this would cost $2.4 billion per season, which frankly, the multi-millionaire Target Corporation scion noted, “is pocket change”, and well less than winter heating and summer cooling costs.

The report also priced out a longer term option, building a new High Speed Rail from MSP to PHX. The report notes Japan runs 13 high speed trains per hour at 320km/h (200 MPH) (i.e. just over 4 minute headways). This would be nonstop, at 2054 km (1276 miles). The report also assumes that the track would be run in a straight-line through the Rockies. At $100 million per mile to build, using strong Rearden Metal, it would be a mere $127,600,000,000. Governor Dayton reminds us that we just spent collectively in the two cities about 5% of that on sports stadia. Such a train system could carry 20,000 passengers per hour. In 25 days, it too could move 12 million people. Since we know the operating cost of HSR is free, this would be more cost effective than aircraft in a mere 27 years.

Dayton closed by stating “Every October, all of us Minnezonans would hop on the train in New Minneapolis and less than 7 hours later, hop off the train in New Phoenix. The train would instantly turn around, switch tracks, and fly like the wind back to Minnesota to pick up its next payload. Instead of looking forward to 8 months of snow, us Minnezonans could enjoy Spring Training, while continuing our business virtually uninterrupted.”

Brewer argued the state should be called Arisota.

Solving climate variability

March 32, 2014

People talk about climate change. Most climate variability is caused by seasonality. The variation of July (the hottest month) and January (the coldest), is nearly 30 degrees C in Minnesota. This dwarfs any of the variation caused by global climate change.


Seasonality is mostly caused by the axis of rotation of the earth, which is 23.5 degrees off. (Not too bad considering Uranus is 97 degrees off, and Venus is upside down … you know what the say, Earth is from Mars and Venus is from Venus).

As you can see the Earth leans left. This explains many of the political problems we have.



In fact, this axis is changing over time, but it is not returning to an inclination angle of 0.

There is in theory a solution to all of this temperature variation, reduce the axis of inclination. If we straightened out, we could have much more uniform temperatures year-round. We would need less annual adaptation. This would save on construction and energy costs big time, itself perhaps enough to avoid climate change.


So how might we straighten the earth? Tractor Beam. Nuclear Bombs, Volcanic Explosions, Give Atlas some pep pills? I believe the answer is the same as how we got here, Asteroid collisions. Harnessing some relatively large Asteroids and colliding them with Earth at the right location should reduce our tiltedness. I have seen many films (based on scientific fact) which have shown teams of aged astronauts go out into space to divert asteroids to avoid earthly collision, it should be a simple matter to divert asteroids to collide with the earth in just the right place. With some trial and error, I am sure we could get it right. This is a job for geo-engineering, astro-physicists, snooker players, astronomers AND astrologers to work on to perfect. (I’m just the ideas guy.) We need a crash program in this, so we can avoid more unnecessary winters.

Of course, all of the animals that have adapted to seasonality would now be un-adapted to unseasonality, but they should have thought of that before evolving.

Side effects include mass extinction and heartburn.

New Zeppelin Port Announced |

Cross-posted from New Zeppelin Port Announced

New Zeppelin Port Announced


The following was released to Streets.MN

*************** EMBARGOED UNTIL MARCH 32, 2013 ***************

In line with Minnesota’s new statewide transportation plan and the City of Minneapolis’s recent push for slow travel via streetcar, the newly formed Metropolitan Zports Commission (jointly managed by the Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission and the Metropolitan Airports Commission, with a 30% stake held by local entrepreneur Z. Wilf), along with the Foshay Tower, have announced a new Zeppelin Port initiative. The objective will be for people to ride comfortably in the clouds from downtown to downtown of major American cities. Service is expected to begin in August 2015 on a route between Minneapolis, Milwaukee, and Chicago, with a parachute drop over Madison.

Foshay (wikipedia)


The Zeppelin will dock atop the Foshay tower, and board and alight via a newly constructedZipline between the Foshay tower roof and the 30th floor of the IDS Tower.

The marketing campaign is “It’s Zporting: Zip to the Zep today”.


The Midwest High-Speed Rail Commission released a brief announcement indicating they opposed the 80 MPH Zeppelin, saying

“If you want slow inter-city transportation, High-Speed rail in the Midwest will undoubtedly be slower than a Zeppelin on trips from Chicago to Minneapolis, considering actual travel distances and stops”. 

Minneapolis Anti-Skyway Coalition supported the bringing of inter-city transportation downtown, but was disturbed by the construction of a non-street level zipline between the Foshay tower and IDS Center. Their main objection was removing potential customers from the street-level, and the possibility of aerial food-trucks powered by Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (drones) (the famous taco-copter) serving passengers hanging off the zip-line waiting to board the Zeppelin.

Minneapolitans Against Food In Air (MAFIA) were also opposed, suggesting that taco juices would rain down upon street-level pedestrians.

Minneapolis Mayor RT Rybak immediately endorsed the project as bringing vital jobs and conventioneers to the City, and suggested a second zipline (which he dubbed “The Hipline”) to connect to Target Field and the Vikings Stadium.

This brings the development of lighter than air craft full circle in the metropolis where Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin conceived of his namesake vehicle.